Things you wish you could say (at work)


You know, what you’re asking me to do is kind of like asking me to fix your plumbing. It is outside of my skillset, and not one that I’m particularly interested in acquiring.

(If I wanted to work in marketing, I would be working in marketing, not IT.)


The “you’re doing a good job” messages always seem to come at a time when we’re so buried with work we can’t see the sun. “Things are going good and thanks for helping us get there” are rarer still. Whenever those are given, I think of the TV shows that suddenly turn one of the minor characters into the main focus of an episode and next thing you know, they’re gone or dead. “Oh, brother. They’re making a point to praise us. What are they going to unload on us now?”


Silent installs make baby Jesus cry.


Except when they’re not silent, and then they make the users cry. A lot. To the helpdesk.

(but yes. It’s a PITA when a user shuts down or reboots in the middle of a silent install.)


Dear $support_drone

Yesterday you’ve sent me an email informing that $payment_gateway is down.


(Un)fortunately that is NOT my responsibility.

So I queried my manager and he told me $person1 and $person2 have the login details etc and only they can reset/reboot that gateway PC (it is a cloud-based VM).

I thereupon emailed you back and thought it to be the end of the matter, since you stated that $person1 is on holydaye in Botswana, and cannot be reached via cell, so that only leaves $person2.

Oh, and I cc’d a couple of other persons in as well.

Next day you stated you never got any email from $person2 - so I reiterate that you contact $person2 and get him to resolve that issue.

Not my fault or problem, it is your department’s baby.

The longer it is left unresolved, the higher the SLA penalties.


Not my pig.
Not my farm.


Not my circus,
Not my monkeys…


And this is why you investigate a problem fully before letting your sysadmin know what is going on.

Merely saying “$files are not going through” WILL see me throw the problem back at you UNTIL you do a PROPER investigation.

Turns out one of our ADSL lines went wonky two days ago, and this caused an FTP server (hosted at our offices) to become unresponsive.

Next time do a proper investigation as to WHICH server is not responding and let me know so that we can resolve the issue quicker.



Why are we getting multiple requests with the scary “legal” tag on them at the end of the year when no one is here?


To follow up on my rant from above - just whose silly-poot idea was it to use hardcoded IP addresses instead of a more dynamic hostname in databases and scripts?

After I have determined that the copper ADSL line for the ftp server was on the fritz, I decided to swing the whole shebang over to a fiber line (with a better SLA). Copper ADSL will have a very low priority for repair this time of the year anyway.

So the switchover was done, ftp server accepts my logins etc. Let $support know all is cherry.

Their one script was still not connecting despite changing the hardcoded IP in the production database. After asking and confirming that there is only one table that holds the IP for the FTP server, I digged into the recalcitrant script - and discovered that it also have an hardcoded IP. :roll_eyes:


Fixed it, tested it. Success.

Support was not too thrilled in updating a couple of servers…

So guess what I’ll also be doing next year? Getting a better system implementes that does not use hardcoded IP adresses.

And getting our telco to fix their line. Maybe it is time to ditch copper and move over to fiber…




I love, love, LOOOOOOVE how responsive my laptop is now that it has encryption, an overly-active anti-virus program and a sync process that I’m lucky if it runs for 15 minutes before it gives up. At this rate, I might just ring in the new year before it finishes.


Does said craptop uses a traditional spinner (hard drive) or a SSD?

Spinners are susceptible to sudden drops and reprogramming via hard whacks (hard enough not to crack or break the case) :innercent: :whistle: :looking other way:


It’s a mechanical drive and let’s just say I investigated whether SSD was an option and gave up.


Yeah, we’ve got a new security package being forced upon us that is not going well. It seems to regularly burn up 100% of CPU available on our standard laptops.

The problem is at the same time a new VPN was rolled out to replace an older system, and my group is getting blamed for the slowdown because the VPN software is visible while the security package is not.


Even more fun. I just tried going into my email and opening one I had already set. It’s web-based email, so it took about two minutes before the message could be opened because of how busy the processor already is.


Badly designed system.


Dear $HR

“Oops” - you forgot to pay somebody on the payroll?

Poor form that. And a pissed-off employee too. Great start.

(Wasn’t me, I pity the poor person who’ve had this happen)


My commute’s not getting worse when we move a couple weeks.


I have access to the space my new desk is located in.

(We got bumped out of a comfortable building in what could be called an “HQ campus” and so far it’s going poorly. We moved from a comfy space to temp quarters, then move to another building in a week which is further away from my home and doesn’t have proper cubes, just some sort of table assemblies. It was formerly home to a service desk of some kind, who apparently left food remains behind when they left.)


Yes, being able to only sync one file per minute is much more efficient than what we had before.