Things you wish you could say (at work)


You put in the ticket that it’s a desktop computer but then further down you give me a host name that’s obviously a laptop. Come on, $George, pay attention.


My end-of-year review is due.

I so want to slip “I feel that my interactions with the members of my own team and business units within the organisation - especially the infrastructure group - have improved dramatically over the past 12 months. I no longer wish to kill them.” into the document somewhere.


Give me all of the information. Don’t give me a half-assed list of some of what you want done and expect me to be able to figure out that there is more that needs doing. Also, if your specs are unclear … I will send them back. I will not guess. I will do exactly what you tell me. If your instructions are unclear, I will make sure that they ARE clear before I start to work on them in any fashion.

Going forward, I’m sure that you’ll start to see things my way after you’ve had to wait a couple of extra days for this merry-go-round of HEAT case assignments to end on a point where I can get your work done.


Dear $route_manager

This is simple bulldust. B-U-L-L-D-U-S-T.

Somebody stole an 8Gb memory stick from one machine. When I discovered that fact (due to the VM not wanting to start up) I kicked up a storm.

Magically the missing RAM stick was found. Inside the case. Must have gotten loose.

Yeah right, and I have a removable dick.

Bulldust, I tell you. Bulldust. End of story.

My manager will agree with me.


Is that song abut you, then?


Everything is “going forward” since backwards, sideways, slantways, longways and backways would require time travel and we ain’t got that right now.


You forgot to mention widdershins, hubwards, rimwards and turnwise.


Two tickets this morning for new hires starting today. Lucky for one of you I had a laptop all ready to go for a user who didn’t start last week. But I can’t pull two laptops out of my ass so y’all need to wait for the second one.


I also have this issue. If $company want to hire $person, they can jolly well check before the time whether IT have the resources (laptop, telephone etc) ready for said user. But most of the time they don’t and make me look like a fool. Gah.


Not sure I’d want it then anyway.

Always remember:

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part:


There is no reason for you too look like a fool; quite the opposite… the fool who failed to plan ahead should be exposed.


@balance, I live by that second part and that’s why they likely aren’t getting the second laptop today. I just started imaging it but I leave at 3:30 Pacific and it’s already 12:30. So by the time it’s done I don’t know if I’ll have time to configure it. And I give zero fucks. In fact if it was possible to give negative fucks, I would.


Sometimes when the office manager asks me for something there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to accomplish, or she is just being ridic about something, I will do one of two things. I will either start peeking under things until she asks what I’m looking for, and I tell her I’m looking for my fucks as I seem to have none right now, or if I’m feeling especially frisky I will stop, assume a very theatrical pose, sweep my arm out in front of me, and say loudly “Behold my field of fucks, and see that it is barren!”

Both get my point across. :joy:

Luckily my office is cool like that. YMMV.


That’s the spirit.


Pep talk time!

Thanks guys :+1:


It is 2am. I planned to be at the office working in 4 hours. I have worked from home a few hours this week already. This is not the appropriate time to text me and tell me that I don’t need to go in to the office in the morning and that you already planned to pay bills this week. Just because you are frustrated with the sale proceedings does not mean you can make up new rules willy nilly. I will go in and complete my tasks. And I will pay myself for them. Because I do not trust you to pay me appropriately or to take my name off the remaining accounts. You have proven yourself incapable of reading emails and correspondence up to this point and I see no reason to start trusting you now.

(Backstory - I’m selling my half the clinic to my partner, and every time I tell her something it somehow gets morphed into what she thinks it should be. To the point that I no longer speak to her but only work in writing, as that way I have proof. Two weeks ago she decided that I had said I was not interested in doing the books while we worked out the sale terms, and I responded that I was happy to continue as long as she needed me. She texted me just a few minutes ago to say she planned to do all the books and payroll this week and that I didn’t need to go in… In four hours. :imp: No thanks, I will go in and finish up my last few items and then pay myself. Because I trust you neither to get my name off all the accounts nor to get me my check in a timely fashion. But then it’s all your responsibility…have fun with that.)


Is your business partner Mrs. Force10? :slight_smile:


Oh snap :rofl:



Oh, wait a minute …


Congrats on leaving that circus to the chief monkey!