Things you wish you could say (at work)




Add in copiers/printers, but there were a few times it really was the end device. The other 95%-99%? Something in the network or the server.

In one of these situations, I was telling the guy on the phone about how it’s been my experience that it’s rare for the end device to be the issue, but I keep an open mind that it could be, because of the few times it turned out to be true. He had been saying “it’s your device”, but I didn’t realize he was in the networking group for his company when telling him this.

During the discussion, he suddenly said something like, “What is that?” He found that a co-worker had changed a configuration file on their network equipment. Once he changed it back, the end device started working correctly again. The “it’s not the end device” percentage went up another notch that day.

Our world is so inter-connected that cause-and-effect aren’t so simple any more, but no one wants to account for everything that’s in the middle that can affect the issue. It’s easier to say, “It can’t be us. It has to be you.”


It’s always the Network here. Even when it’s not.


Dear $Lusers

I’m only one person. Kindly form an orderly queue.



It’s not the WAF.

Criminey… I wish we had never TOLD you people we had a WAF inline to the application.



It’s been the WAF more times than I care to count over the past few months.


What we need to do is create some bogus but believable piece of equipment and blame that.

Then wait and see how far the idiocy travels.


“The internet doesn’t weight anything, Jen.”


One of my first scripts (and a very proud moment for me) pops into my head from this.

Short story time!
Working at my first IT job for an insurance software company. I had just been exposed to scripting and AutoIt and was having a blast finding all the neat things I could make it do.

I had one ‘manager’ (she thought she was in charge but wasn’t) who constantly complained about the network speed so I wrote up a script. It would ‘scan’ the network and fix any issues. Basically, it would display a progress bar and then kick up an imaginary number that was your current speed. Then you had a Clean button that threw up another progress bar and then a new speed that was faster than what you started with. I gave it to her and told her to run it before calling me. The calls basically stopped after that. I think she might’ve saved it to disk and used it at home too…

[Related side story… Management decreed that Solitaire was a productivity hog and to delete it from all machines. Hey, it was the early 2000’s. Easy enough to do but it you could re-download it. Enter me who instead of deleting sol.exe created an AutoIt script to replace it. When you ran it, the script would open your browser to the web page where Solitaire was deemed prohibited. I think I threw a scary warning sign in there too.]


This made me laugh out loud.


Dear $colleague

Giving me 24 hours notice for the creation of an email distribution group is just not on.

It pisses me off.

Go and bother some bloated goats, kthanxbai.


I Just got laid off along with my entire department (outsourced to India). My phone has been ringing nonstop: “What is the IP of the domain controller?”, “how do we reboot the image server?”, who supports the FTP client?" Weelp, our team was there for a reason buddy… good luck.


Just ignore the calls. If they have handover documentation, the onus is on them to read it.

Do you still get paid or not? If not, then it is their problem. Switch off your phone and look for another job.

And I’m really sorry to hear about your job loss. You will find another job, strongs!

Should my current employer do the same, they’ll find me unreachable.




Consulting is lucrative. Just saying :wink:


‘Dude, seriously… You’re asking me to upload a 2 GB ISO to 3 different environments from a USB 2.0 flash drive. This is not going to be a quick thing. Go away. You lurking over my desk is not going to make the 1’s and 0’s travel faster.’


Shut up and listen. Then maybe that stuff will go where it is supposed to go (lab) and not where you think it goes (office).


Screw that; let them duke it out. Bleach the gene pool. See how long it takes them to figure out that only those who bring a tribute (preferably in the form of baked goods) get to the front of the queue.

[or am I?]
(hey, I can fantasize)


Tribute = lots of moola (preferred) :smile:


Dear $cow-orker


Especially in a VM on a cluster.

Now this is not my problem anymore, you installed it, your baby.