Things you wish you could say (at work)


I know people who’ve had their license suspended for epileptic seizures (before they got on medication) and hypoglycemic blackout incidents. Maybe not in a 100% legal/official sense (I don’t know exactly how it was done) but ordered by their doctor.


In most places you have to be seizure free for a minimum of six months before you can get it back. Any type of seizure for any reason. Including epilepsy, blood sugar, undiagnosed trauma/concussion issues, brain tumors, meningitis… No matter the reason, once you have a seizure they monitor the crap out of you. For good reason.

Always surprised me, though, that if you fall asleep or pass out at the wheel they’ll just give your license back to you with a ticket. So never say a seizure is the moral of the story. Just say you fell asleep. Then it’s all good.


Look, I’m unhappy at you for wasting my time and I get paid for overtime!

(This may be the 2nd time on this project I ask that we not receive a specific tech again. Problem is, the monkey-bumpers apparently already had Tech 1 leave, replaced by Techs 2a and 2b, who still didn’t have the hardware they needed and wasted 2-3 hours on phone with their support instead of getting me to do it.)


I know that this is a knowledge-based occupation and that the lack of information regarding the Spectre/Meltdown is frustrating to you, but forcing us to patch 134 servers and then asking why we did so and THEN asking us to roll back all the changes we just made WHEN WE KNEW BETTER AND TOLD YOU SO AT THE START is more than just a little frustrating to my entire team.

Thanks for all the overtime, though. Thankfully I don’t live far or have a family to worry about.


Blood pressure medication is a killer here too. My dad had his changed years ago and was on his way to work when he woke up in someone’s yard with their mailbox on his hood. He was off track from going to work by several turns and a couple miles, in some dead end neighborhood. His last memory was sitting at a traffic light.


My grandmother (who I believe was no longer driving at this point) got a “refill” of her BP meds from her doctor once that nearly killed her. Doctor used free samples from PharmaCo to help out his patients on low/fixed incomes, and gave her a bunch. He didn’t check the dosage or say anything to her about it, so she kept taking her normal regimen - but these pills were twice as strong as the ones she had been taking.

Walks out to get the mail, BP drops, next thing she knows she’s on the ground with a broken hip.


What’s that you say? A whole fifteen months since $ÜberCorp bought out $Telco and finally it’s under consideration that us underlings in the call centre are going to be paid the same rate as $ÜberCorp’s call centre underlings? I mean sure an extra £2.5k per year isn’t much to $TelcoExecutive who earns £105k (bloody dick that he is) but to we minions on £16k, it’s an absolute windfall that cannot happen fast enough.

For those outside the UK I should point out that after income tax, 16k is actually 13k. Our “average income” is almost double that… our minimum wage has been so far below inflation for so long that in order to have an “average income” you have to work 75 hours out of a 40 hour week,


It’s a lot like that too here in America, except thankfully, we don’t have VAT.

I deal with a great many C-level and Director-level leadership on a daily basis as part of what I do. There’s such a profound disconnect between that level of business and the people that run the operations of the enterprise day-to-day. We have an Operations Director who literally sits in her office and stares at Excel charts and PowerPoint slide decks all day and cannot for the life of her understand why people that roll up to her are actively looking for new jobs and leaving in droves.

They have meetings about having more meetings and very literally don’t understand how the business functions at a granular level. This is the same Director, who despite having a very clear window into the work items and daily work of her employee’s still had to have it explained to her. Every two weeks. A coworker who isn’t with the company anymore said to her, “This is my 6th time explaining (x line of work that kept the team busy for a quarter) this. If there’s some way I can articulate it or present it better, I’d welcome the feedback, otherwise I can’t understand this for you.”

This is just a microcosm of what’s happening all over the world.


My idea of management is to give the minions their work, then make sure it is done properly. And not to interfere in their work. And NOT to attach any time-frames to work if it is not understood easily. See the below commitstrip as to why.

If the brown stuff hits the fan (power failure/data loss/theft/whatever), then it’ll be my job to ensure that there is continuity and clients are placated etc etc etc, while the minions do what they can to get things resolved - and if they need new hardware to replace broken/stolen kit, push for that to happen.

And make sure they are happy, well paid, and so on. Micromanagement is NOT the way to go, it is counter-productive.

But what the hey, it is easier just to sit in your dinky little airconditioned office, peddling Excel and Powerpoint all day long, and to throw your team leads under the bus if things does not go your way.


Save often.

Don’t come crying to me if autosave and autorecovery failed whilst working on a large document without saving. Which it did.



$boss, please join me in reality and ask me about things that actually happened instead of things that never did.


Yes, please tell me all about how this Spectre/Meltdown bug is now unfixable aside from full hardware replacement. I haven’t heard anything at all about it.


So you want a hard drive for mahala?

/me drops HDD on the floor (it was kaputt anyway)

Here you go. No? Aw what a real shame. And it’s a nice 1.5Tb too. A real shame. drops HDD again

-coworker walks away, very pissed


If you schedule a fucking meeting, show up for the fucking meeting. I have better things to do than sit on an empty Skype call. Paste-eating fart-spackles.


What is mahala? I googled it but results were not definitive.


Mahala = gratis / free


Is that Afrikaans?


Yes, I currently have more open tickets than any of the other techs at this site. So by all means assign the new ones to me instead of literally anyone else.



Dear ex-damagers

Thank you for destroying your reputation even further with $Company - you two left, taking critical documentation with, and never gave us a copy of said documents.

Get a wake up, childish tantrums does not sit well with some companies, and you only have yourselves to blame if your reputation is sullied by what you did.