Things you wish you could say (at work)

It’s so funny, when I first joined the Army we got one, maybe two physical checks (through the ridiculous payday activities procedure.) and after the second one, if you did not have a bank account they would take you to go get one when we got a haircut. After that, no checks, just direct deposit either once or twice a month. That was 1992, and it was required by the Army.

Yes, you are correct; the money has to be transferred to the holding account when the payroll is processed, generally at least a few days before payday, though it can be done well before. (My boss sometimes processes it 2 week in advance.) But on the other hand, if you’re having a service do paper checks, they have the same requirements AND it costs more…

When I was a service tech, the local ADP office was one of our customers. While there to service a printer (non-production, just used for ordinary miscellaneous office printing), and hearing some of the chatter nearby, I asked how much more it cost for businesses to do direct deposit. It was almost like when all background noise stops in a movie or TV show… several conversations around me just paused, and one person turned and said something like “More? No, it costs less.” Now, this was 20+ years ago, but they said that even for a small business (like 25 employees), the direct deposit processing fees were less than the cost of having checks printed (which also has processing fees), plus no courier/FedEx fees to have the checks delivered. So at a minimum, it was a savings of $25 per pay period to switch to direct deposit.

Like @balance’s wife’s old boss, our company controller (again, 20 years ago) took the title literally and didn’t want to give up control of anything, including when paychecks were delivered. (spiteful old bitch) Yes, even though the funds were no longer in company checking accounts, she didn’t want anyone to have their paychecks until she released the checks. Also, because my dad used to be VP there, I found out that she often cost the company more money by having the checks couriered at the last minute, rather than shipped FedEx a couple day early, so she could sign for them. When FedEx-ed, they would come in an envelope clearly marked ADP and everyone around when the delivery was made could see the envelope, but if they were delivered by courier, less people could see that they arrived? WTF? Anyway, after sharing what I learned with my dad, he looked into it and we had direct deposit a few months later.

FFW to a couple years after I moved to where I work now - in a staff meeting that was winding down and someone asked about direct deposit. Boss said that he didn’t know how much more it would cost, but would look into it. I relayed the same story, and we had direct deposit a month later. Before direct deposit, boss had special payroll checks and printed them in our office, rather than printed & delivered by the payroll processor; with direct deposit he said the fees were just barely less, almost a wash, but saved him time printing, and space for a second dedicated printer in his office. (I have a good boss. Retired cop. He may be set in his ways in some things, but listens and considers input, and isn’t afraid to point out when someone else has a better idea than him. He sets a good example and I’ve learned a lot from him.)


Driving into work wouldn’t be necessary travel if we had direct deposit you technological dinosaur!


We need someone to drive in to remove an SFP. It’s literally a 10 second job, but requires enough Change control that no one wants to do it. It’s easier to deal with a stream of tickets.

This is our normal for the foreseeable future–probably the rest of the FY. By not even starting to adapt, you are practically daring our funding to be cut off.


I tole everybody to check that tethering their work PC’s to their work phones in order to do work from home ASAP, and let me know if there’s any issues. (Keep in mind we did not had any chance to test this sort of thing before).

Yet three weeks later you now bleat that you have issues… why did you not report it soonest?

That was an asshole move and it should cost you your job.

Instead of …

You tried to backpedal and cover your own mistakes by making changes to the current tickets requesting the changes. This was meant to cover up you giving us the wrong specs originally and make it look like we can’t do our jobs properly. You complained AT LENGTH about how we can’t follow simple instructions and that we need to improve our accountability.

I found all of the relevant build info in the PREVIOUS tickets that were sent to us … by you … that show otherwise. You’re terrible at this. Give up.

You were pissed because we didn’t build your systems as quickly as you wanted. What you wanted wasn’t in line with upper management’s plan and you tried to work around them to get us to do it anyway. We don’t play that game and did as we were instructed.

There really should be a penalty for this kind of stupidity. You got caught not only in a lie, but in your sloppy attempt to cover it up.


Yep, both of those should be grounds for dismissal. If I tried something stupid like that at work I would expect some pretty serious consequences.

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Unfortunately, the offender is about 6 pay grades up the food chain and unlikely to be affected by his gaffe. Memories are long, though. We have a lot of friends here in the IT world.
He will shortly enter the realm of “It is known.”


I realize we have to take immediate steps, but it’s getting more than a little annoying that immediate has been “make a decision right now” without giving us time to even figure out what’s going on.

So we’re behind on training, but here’s even more training to do and here’s this other thing that will not only prevent us from doing training but we’re told we can’t do training because of it?

Sorry. Not until you’ve had the proper training. Which you can’t get.
Again, sorry.


Why are people asking for weird URL unblocks? You all should be home where I bet you have a phone, tablet and/or personal PC you could use for your dubious websites instead.


Dear manager

Kindly STFU

You asked me to set up M$ teams etc. But you did not give me a date of completion.

Now you’re all over the show. Stop phoning me every minute FFS.

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Please stop buying bees and raising them the “Natural Way”. They aren’t native here and we’ve imported pests from around the world. If you keep doing what you are doing you might as well buy them and set the hive on fire.

These people who don’t want to put chemicals on or supplementally feed their bees because they believe in survival of the fittest or they think they are raising stronger bees are just killing tens of thousands of them for no good reason. They buy 10 nucs, have one die over the summer, get a limited amount of honey out of them, try lemon grass oil as a mite treatment or some other crap, then lose 5 hives to mites in the fall, 1 more starves, and call it a success when they have 2 left in March. Run around catching “wild” swarms then buy 5 nucs in the Spring just to get back to the 10 they had and celebrate their natural and more caring beekeeping.

Meanwhile, I treated and feed the bejesus out of my hives and got one of two through the winter, so healthy that I have already split it into two, and this weekend will likely split it again and have 3 hives this year each producing 70-100 pounds of honey if I’m lucky. Though one will be making comb honey, which is a pain in the ass, but looks fun. Next year if I get at least 2 through I’ll be selling nucs to idiots like this as overwintered Indiana bees for $200 a pop, maybe two or three of them, six if I’m lucky. Thereby paying for my bee habit for another year.

Stupid people wasting so much money and energy.


Do you want to take the wheel on this? No? Want to join the asinine amount of meetings? Not interested? Then why the ever-lovin’-fack do you keep trying to tell me what the next step is with every person and their dog on the email trail? You only look more stupid when I respond to tell you it’s already being handled and/or it’s already in process because, y’know, it’s my job.


Why am I not on Microsoft Teams yet? Well, because you (as my boss) never forwarded me the information that I need to apply for an account. I hadn’t ever even heard about it until I was sent an email yesterday about training today by YOUR boss. Now, it’s a critical issue. You’re unreachable, so I had to go over your head to get the info I needed.

I keep telling you that I’m happy to help you get more organized because you keep falling down on stuff like this. Just keep me in the loop the second things come in and then it’ll be MY fault for not getting it done. I’d much rather that you blame me for forgetting than getting in a funk because you did.

Dear $Manglement


Get a grip on reality, kthanxbai.

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Everything about this project makes me want to quit my job 4 years short of an active duty retirement, sell the house, and live off the proceeds in rural AZ until I can find another line of work.

I should have known this would be a clusterfuck. Than $Deity I’m only here for a week.