Children and other assorted demons

We need a thread solely to complain about and compare spawn. I present to you this thread.

I shall commence thus:

Last night we were babysitting our nephew Isaac, who is four years old. And yes his surname is Clark. I have been assured repeatedly that this has nothing to do with Dead Space but it is amusing that Dead Space is one of Isaac’s Mother’s favourite games… I digress. So last night we’re looking after him, and he’s fussy going to bed. Long after story time he comes downstairs and says he can’t sleep, so I give him a pad of paper and a pen and tell him he can draw until he gets sleepy and then he should go to sleep.

We go to bed at about midnight, he’s sound asleep. Excellent. We go to sleep.

Half seven this morning (ie, an hour ago) our alarm goes off. I get up. Isaac is not in the spare room. Nor is he in the bathroom. Nor under our bed (it happens sometimes). Go downstairs. Isaac is not in the sitting room, nor the kitchen. The pantry cupboard door is open, and one of the kitchen chairs is in the doorway so he can reach where we keep biscuits when we have any. Then I notice the keys are in the door.


The door is unlocked.


The garden gate is open.


In car. Start engine. Drive to park at about 90mph. (Okay, no, 40.) No Isaac. Shit. Drive to Isaac’s house.

All of Blyth Police Station’s night staff are there. ALL OF THEM.

Panic panic panic has he been run over has he been kidnapped has he been sold into slavery has he been abused by someone has he been hurt has he been attacked oh Gods oh Gods OH GODS.

He’s sitting at the kitchen table eating Coco Pops.

He woke up earlier, couldn’t find breakfast in our kitchen (it’s in the fridge, sausages and eggs) and so decided to walk home. One of his teachers found him about 300yards down the road and called the police. I’m so glad he’s safe, even is he is some evil little Houdini finding the back door keys and escaping like that! There are no words to describe how terrified I was when I saw the garden gate was open, we live on a busy main road and even though the limit is 30 it was half seven in the morning, nobody is doing less than 40. Anything could have happened.

At least I’ve stopped shaking now…

So, what’s the worse that your - or your family’s - spawn has ever done to you?

1 Like


Reading that, I’m not even sure you could have done anything about it, save hiding the keys under your own pillow.

Very glad everything is OK now, but what a bloody awful start to the day.

One of my cats (who has now sadly passed) was a bona fide Houdini in that way. We very quickly got into the habit of opening the door very slowly and putting a foot into the gap so that he wouldn’t run out as we walked in.

My nearly-4-year-old son, thank the gods, is not so keen to push that envelope (yet).

1 Like

Our children are angels.

Aggravating, but overall pretty well behaved. I usually describe our younger one as “like me, but without any filters” and people will say “You have filters?” and then they meet my kid and they understand. I have filters. They aren’t great, but they’re present. Nate has my sense of humor without my hard-earned tact. The effect is striking in a 5-year-old. So far, we’ve refrained from striking him.

Our older boy is just ridiculously nice. Recessive genes, no doubt.


Our three sat very nicely and quietly at a and reception Sunday. To the point that people were coming up to wonder how we got them to do it. I said that the promise of an electronics-free week was a great motivator to behave. Because I will take those things away in a heartbeat. And I have. :joy::joy:


My 19 year old moved to Florida with three weeks notice to live with some dude. She also dyed her hair purple, which is better than 99% of the things she could have done.

She maybe wants to be a realtor, or something. She’s got 8k in college debt, that I’m cosigned for. This is down a bit from ophthalmologist, biologist, vet, or business major with a philanthropic minor. She’s just done with school, and I’m ok with that as long as she does something.

I think we raised a great human being, who has a good structure of internal beliefs and a decent sense of right and wrong. But we were not able to instill a sense of drive, or ambition at all. She’ll work hard, but it has to be outside motivated, or makeup or hair. I’m hoping she finds something that will make her happy, and that Florida works for her.

I’m also prepared to overnight tickets to her in a shelter to get her away from the mess she’s made of her life. It’s hard to tell what will happen.

My oldest is two babies in and done, and may easily end up getting her degree before the other one even after waiting for these two to get into school. She’s selling the house I bought for her and we talked about how much I need to get paid back and the reality hit her a little bit. But she’s strong.

My youngest is me. Except prone to over energized moments. I’ve caught her friends looking at her and saying “Spawn, Stop”, just like I do. She just occasionally needs to be reeled back from an 8 to maybe a 4 or 5 when what’s going on just isn’t all that exciting. Funnily enough, if what’s going on is exciting, she goes up to about 8 and tops out there, while some of her friends totally lose their minds. So it works out.

1 Like