A Thread for Jokes


#162

Obviously they are unacquainted with our CIO.


#163

My brother-in-law was fond of jokes, but I can only remember the punchline of one of them, so the following is the best I can come up with to recreate it the circumstances for it. It was nowhere near this long, but blame that on me being a budding writer.

 


On a sunny day, Kermit the Frog walks into a bank. After being shown to the appropriate department, he’s greeted with “Good morning. What can I help you with?”

A quick glance at the nameplate on the desk doesn’t give him much in the way of a clue on how to address her, so he opts for what he hopes is the safest choice. “Well, you see, Ms. Wakk, interest in the Muppets has picked up recently and I’ve been thinking of renovating my house. What I’m looking for is a home improvement loan.”

“Ah, yes. I thought I recognized you,” she replied. “We’re always interested in helping people make their lives better. How large of a loan are you looking for?”

“I’ve done my research and got estimates on the work to be done. I think $900,000 should cover it.”

“That’s a lot of money. What do you have for collateral?”

Kermit removes an object from a carrying case and sets it on her desk. “It’s been in my family for many generations. It’s been appraised at over that amount.”

The loan officer looks at it. “I think I need to run this by my manager.” She picks up the phone and dials an extention. “Gerry? This is Patricia. I need your approval on a collateral issue.”

The manager arrives in a few minutes. She holds up the object and tells him, “Mr. Kermit wants to use this against his loan, but I have no idea what it is.”

Gerry smiles broadly and says, “It’s a knicknack, Patty Wakk. Give the the frog a loan.”

 


(Yes, I did a search for the punchline, but still wanted to try my hand at writing the replacement for his joke.)


#164

Good write up, left out the word “Give” in the punchline.


#165

Now it’s there. Looks like the time limit on editing a post is more relaxed these days.


#166

Another favourite of mine…

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.


#167

You could also ask a Mod to assist, if you get past that limit.


#168

I saw this in my FaceSpace feed today (on @Force10’s feed, to be exact, but I figure the people here would enjoy it, so…) :

Convincing your girlfriend she’s crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it’s a dick move.

Convincing your girlfriend she’s a robot with artificially implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It’s a Phillip K. Dick move.


#169

Saw this one on reddit a dew days ago…

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”


#170

Forgive me, Father, for I have punned.

 

A man decides to try eating at a new ethnic restaurant for a type of food he hasn’t ever had before. The meal was good, but a few days later, he starts experiencing a side effect. No matter what he does or what he eats, he passes gas frenquently. It’s embarassing, but his friends give him some good-natured ribbing.

However, it gets worse, and he picks up a nickname. By now, he’s getting desperate and makes an appointment with his doctor.

On his way home, he decides to get some coffee. Everyone sees him walk in, freezes, then bolts for the door, leaving it empty except for him, the barista and one very confused customer. He gets his coffee and leaves, thankfully without an incident.

The other customer turns to the barista. “What was that all about?”

“Well, you see, they call The Wind pariah”, he replies.


#171

Click to enbiggen.


#172

Why were star wars episodes 4-6 release before episodes 1-3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.


#173

Okay, I know this one’s dumb, but it’s been stuck in my head for a while. Time to inflict it on everyone else.

“Not feeling April fresh?”

“Yeah, we broke up a month ago.”


#174

Title is “The 2 in 1 Braai (BBQ) and Cooler Combo is now available at Brakpan wholesalers”

Not sure where it originated from, but I can guess some Redneck/Hillbilly country :stuck_out_tongue:


#175

:christmas_tree: :musical_note: He’s making a database
He’s sorting it twice

SELECT * from Contacts WHERE behaviour = 'nice'

SQL Clause is coming to Town :christmas_tree: :musical_score:


#176

Santa is always jolly, because he knows where all the bad girls are…


#177

…and all things ending in “olly”…


#178

I’m going to put that on my classroom’s board today.


#179

I have my tradition of watching Hogfather scheduled for next week. Just finished reading the book as I do every year.


#180

Good to see my obscure pterry reference got noticed :cool:

Apple! Sauce!


#181

Hmmm. I need to find my DVD of Hogfather. $Wife is going to her mom’s for Christmas eve, so it’s a good time to throw it on. Not that there’s a bad time!

Possibly book-ended by some combination of Kung Fu Hustle, the IT Crowd, Spaced, and Ash vs. the Evil Dead, which are in my “To Watch” pile. (I’ve seen the IT Crowd and Spaced, but there’s some extras for each I missed.)