A Thread for Jokes


#122

In the USA it’s only for non-vehicle and agricultural use.


#123

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

  1. It is perfect formula for the child.
  2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
  3. It is always the right temperature.
  4. It is inexpensive.
  5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
  6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

  1. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

#124

A conspiracy site has just released top-secret plans stolen from the federal government, of a weapon of Mass Destruction the federal government plans to turn on US citizens! While the plans are hard to decipher without very advanced physics and engineering degrees, the site points out that the name of this top-secret project indicates how callously the government views its citizens.

Occam’s Razor


#125

Much the same in the UK.


#126

Breaking Noise!

Multiple media outlets are reporting that Stan Lee got absolutely no publicity in the last 24 hours.


#127

Which is all the more funny for me because I used to live in a town called Stanley (“stan-lee”) and it is constantly in the news with ongoing arson attacks.


#128

(not originally mine, but I had to share it)

I tried to kill a spider with glitter spray.

Now it won’t stop stripping, uses the power cord of my lamp for pole dances, and demands I call it Cinnamon.


#129

The National Institutes of Science have announced an amazing discovery at a dig in New York City:

They have dug up Bill O’Reilly.


#130

A man was being given anesthesia prior to surgery. Just before he went under, he said, “Hey, here’s my impression of my wife during sex.”

The anesthesiologist looked at the wife with a shocked expression.

“That’s okay,” she smiled. “When you bring him out, I’m taking a picture of him with a vibrator in his mouth.”


#131

Vince McMahon has finally admitted that he’s just a pimp.


#132

You know you’re having a bad day when your 4-year old nephew decides that the fish in your aquarium screensaver look thirsty.


#133

Q: What does it mean when you see a lawyer buried up to his neck in concrete?

A: Someone ran out of concrete


#134

A man is next in line for a heart transplant.

The surgeon says to the patient, “Now, there are three hearts immediately available to us. They come from: a lawyer, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and a Mother Superior. Which one would you like us to replace yours with?”

The man says “The lawyer’s, please - it’s never been used!”


#135

Trump is demanding that Scouting be ended in the US, because Colin Powell and Joe Biden shouldn’t be getting all that free publicity.


#136

rimshot :smile:


#137


#138

Three buddies married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia. He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


#139

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He’d always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he’d become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise - he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, “No no, that’s right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.”


#140

Can’t do better than this:

I want to know where they got the photo.


#141

Doesn’t anyone remember that documentary about the war on the Nightshade-relative we invite into our homes known as Solanum lycopersicum?