(Actually, it’s a real article, and I haven’t read it. The reason though is because I’m expecting it to be a media beat-up and an overblown, misleading headline that doesn’t bear much resemblance to reality or what they are reporting on)
You know your apartment is small when you have to put the bed outside in order to unfold the Monopoly board.
California - pissing off the other 30 states since 1848.
Jim and Sue had an argument one Thursday night, over Jim staying late at the bar every night. Sue was upset because she didn’t get to spend time with her husband. Jim assured her that he would do better in the future.
Friday, on the way home from work, Jim stops in at the bar “for a quick drink”. One turns into several, and he’s having such a great time with his buddies that he loses track of time. But then the bartender announces last call, and Jim panics.
He goes to the pay phone back by the rest rooms and calls his wife. “Don’t pay the ransom, honey, I escaped!” he tells her.
“Oh my god, I’ve been so worried!” Sue tells him. “Are you okay? When will you be home?”
Jim, congratulating himself on pulling a fast one, assures her he is okay and will be home soon. But as he turns to walk away, the pay phone rings and he lifts the handset without even thinking about it, and he recognizes his wife’s voice.
“You idiots, you let him get away! Now we have to go through all of this again tomorrow night!”
Jim took Sue out to dinner Saturday night.
A friend’s fiancee got a dog recently. My friend is now referring to the dog as Canus coitus interruptus.
My girlfriend and I are getting a cat next month. I hope it doesn’t become Felis coitus interruptus.
Give a man a fish and he eats fro a day.
Teach a man to fish and he’ll get arrested by the game warden for poaching.
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
There is absolutely no proof I was in any way involved in that.
You smell like roast pork and burnt hair.
Aw, I bet you say that to all the guys.
Facebook is releasing a new feature this week, where you can add people you’ve never met or communicated with to a new list: “Complete Utter Strangers”.
For just $50 more, we’ll make sure nobody ever fills your mattress with rattlesnakes.
Geez, the guys at the dealerships will do anything to make a sale.
You know housework isn’t high on your priorities when:
• your sheets keep reminding you it’s after your bedtime.
• you can’t wash your good slacks for the job interview on Monday because you can’t remember where you left the washer and drier.
• Public Health wants to use your apartment as a “learning laboratory”.
• there are rumors of an Ebola epidemic in your closets.
• You empty the vacuum cleaner bag and find your great-grandmother’s Social Security Card.
• the last time you used the dishwasher, it went into shock.
• your refrigerator has been moved to Area 51.
• you lost the dog three years ago, and you can still hear him barking someplace in the living room.
• you haven’t changed the kitty litter in so long, your mother-in-law thought it was a miniature Zen rock garden.
• Better Homes and Gardens refuses to send you a subscription, no matter how much you pay.
• your spouse flies the flag at half-mast for a month after finding a newspaper announcing Lincoln’s assassination.
• the cockroaches are on strike, demanding better living conditions.
• Martha Stewart is lobbying for your immediate expulsion from the country.
• the CDC quarantined the guests at your last potluck.
• the last time your ice-maker worked, you marketed the results as genuine Jurassic insects, encased in amber.
• your property was considered for a new landfill, but the developers voted it down for environmental reasons.
• tourists stop and ask if this is where Fred Sanford lives.
• your plumber puts on a biohazard containment suit whenever you call him.
• Roto Rooter has elected you as client of the millenium – both millennia.
• the county surveyor refuses to put your property on the plat maps.
• your neighbors keep trying to bribe international terrorists to bomb your house.
• your carpeting is now on the endangered species list.
• nobody believes you have linoleum in your kitchen.
• your compost pile is suing for non-support.
• somebody reported you were growing marijuana in the garden, and nobody’s heard from the Drug Squad since.
• you put a flystrip up in the sun room, but were forced to take it down when your children were taken hostage.
• the lily you were given last Easter ran away.
• it’s your turn to do Thanksgiving dinner this year, and all your relatives are coming down with exotic tropical diseases.
• Santa Claus sends your gifts through the U.S. Mail, but they won’t deliver them either.
• the Easter bunny left moth balls this year.
• you’re the only couple whose anniversary was registered with Dempsey Dumpster.
• during the last earthquake, the National Guard parked outside your house – and took bets.
• the fire inspector keeps assuring you that smoke alarms aren’t that important.
• your insurance adjuster keeps offering to torch your house.
Did you hear how the hipster burned his mouth on pizza?
He ate it before it was cool.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Shakespeare professor?
He’s always had a way with sword.