A Thread for Jokes


#21

For those who didn’t see it on facebook or Reddit…

Humor out of Alignment:
A wizard and Fighter are fighting a bunch of enemies together. At a lull in the battle the wizard sees the fighter is using a small dagger instead of his usual sword. “Where is your sword?” asks the wizard. “I impaled a Druid at the top of yon hill, we can get it when we are finished.” At the end of the battle they work their way to the top of the hill and there is no body, no sword. “You idiot,” says the wizard “of course its gone, you never leave it in Neutral at the top of an incline…”

My favorite response to this gem was

“a loud hiss echos from the ventilation shaft grating you uttered
the joke from. Somewhere deep in a maze of poorly lit air ports and
rotating fans, a creature’s scorn has been earned.” EDIT: That
response continued with: “Goblin [redacted] think joke is bad, such bad
joke make [redacted] mad! [Redacted] shriek and cry with fear, that
such bad joke reach goblin ear.”


#22

A fly notices a small bug on his back. In an attempt to determine just what type of bug it is, he asks his fellow insect, “Hey there, are you a mite?” The smaller bug looks at the fly and says, “I MITE be.” The fly is less than amused by this attempt at humor from the small insect. “That has got to be the worst pun I’ve ever heard”, says the fly. “Give me a break”, says the mite. “I just made it up on the fly.”


#23

OMG, the accident broke your sense of humor!

Get me a video of someone recovering from a wisdom tooth extraction stat!!!


#24

I think that’s a great play on words. I like it.


#25

I see “Take Your Manager to Work Day” has been taken off the calendar for this year.


#26

How do you reduce a straight guy’s IQ by 50%?

Say “Boobs”

How do you drop it to 30?

Show him boobs.

How do you drop it to 10?

Let him touch them.


#27

That’s not a joke.

I can’t even say boobs without grinning.


#28

Why does the Navy tell men to “Aim high”?

  • They want an excuse to replace the bathroom tile.

#29

The Stars and Stripes reported today that the USS Prostate suffered a catastrophic rupture.

A Department of Defense official was quoted as saying, “This is what we get for giving a dishonorable discharge to a proctologist whose brother writes for the Stars and Stripes.”


#30

Humor in real life: The following actually happened to me.

When I was 30, TSB had me go to the eye-doctor. While doing the examination, the Dr. asked what I was doing there and I replied “I don’t really know, my wife asked me to come.” He laughed and we started joking back and forth. During our conversation, he said my eyes are perfect and with TSB still in the room we joked about how More Sex cures all ails. The Dr. then “prescribed more sex” for me.

Now 16 years later, I’m at the eye doctor’s because 5min looking at an iPhone causes about 20-30min of double-vision. The exam revealed that I have a problem switching from near-vision to distance. Basically I only need dollar-store-grade reading glasses.

So with this doctor (different than the one 16 years ago), I told him about the Dr’s “prescription”.
I said that TSB didn’t fill that prescription, so I had to take “things into my own hands”, and that’s why I’m here today because now I’m blind.


#31

Breaking Noise:

UK Parliament Bans Tyson from Boxing Day


#32

Just had to share this.


#33

I tried to “dress for the job you want” and got arrested.

I hope that doesn’t ruin my dreams of being a porn star.


#34

This little piggy went to market with a stolen credit card
This little piggy used stolen checks
This little piggy got caught shoplifiting
This little piggy tried to return something he hadn’t paid for
And this little piggy got rich as a bail bondsman.


#35

Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Child Pornography

Child P-

Knock knock

Who’s there?
Homeland Security, you’re under arrest for trafficking in child pornography.


#36

Breaking Noise! The union representing the nation’s whack-a-mole games has declared a strike. Contract talks broke down over the union’s demands regarding safety training and equipment, healthcare, and daycare options.


#37

Girlfriend: You know, you could act a little more happy for me when I tell you I’m pregnant.

Other friend: I notified the Nobel Peace Prize committee, what more do you want?


#38

For stress relief, I like to watch videos of political speeches and protests. As soon as somebody says “we will not be silenced!”, I put them on mute.


#39

abacab hokus pokus


#40

I was going to put this in WFOTD but figured these have to be jokes. Right? I mean, no-one can be that dense. Right? Right??

I laughed a little too hard at #13