A Thread for Jokes


#202

If you’re glib with your tongue and you’re married to Chung, that’s a Maury.


#203

Spider Robinson worked a whole pun contest into one of his books… I mean, more than usual for him… and there was a whole long “That’s Amore” song contest.


#204

When you put tuna fish with white sauce in a dish, that’s a mornay


#205

Somebody found this old advert somewhere.


#206

I’ve seen pictures of that for dogs. Still doesn’t deal with the valid issue that dogs, goats, children, octopodes, etc. all have sensitive eyes. And getting most of them to wear goggles is a real pain.


#207

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!


#208

The Prime Minister.

She is both the joke and the punchline!


#209

Same with our President.


#210

Trumpmenistan. Borat be visiting soon.


#211

Very nice! High five!


#212

Bush, Obama, and Trump each find a fly in their cups of tea. What do they do?

Bush calls his father for advice. Baffled Bush Sr convenes a war room consisting of Jeb Bush, Colin Powell, John Sununu, Ken Mehlman, Michael Chertoff, and Cousin Billy Bush. They debate how this will play out in New Hampshire and then consider calling the Washington Post to make an official statement but nobody knows how to set up their Facebook messenger to send them a quick note. Finally they all agree to postpone further action until they get the poll results and find out how White Evangelicals feel about drinking teas with flies.

Obama realizes he doesn’t want tea and requests a Coke. He pops the can and takes a long sip and makes sure to telegenically turn to the camera just as he finishes drinking and artfully holds up the can with a giant Coke-sipping smile. Conservatives get aggravated and complain that he’s unfairly attacking Pepsi by supporting Coca-Cola and begin a 16 month long congressional investigation over the whole matter.

Trump gulps down the tea and loudly complains about how scalding hot it is and the bitter after-taste and that it’s the worst coffee he’s ever had and blames Amazon and Jeff Bezos.

Later that night watching the news he learns that he swallowed a fly with his tea. He immediately takes to Twitter to refute the claims. He calls it fake news and firmly states that he has never drunk tea nor eaten a fly and that he would never have swallowed a fly ever.

The next morning he claims that Hilary Clinton is responsible for the fly in his coffee, he still alleges he’s never drunk tea, and that he never swallowed a fly. By the midday press conference Sarah Huckabee Sanders says: that there’s nothing wrong with swallowing a fly. Yet she’s not sure if the President’s tea had a fly in it but she’s confident that Trump’s accurate that he didn’t drink tea and his hunch is correct that the Clintons were behind the fly that was or wasn’t in Trump’s coffee or tea. She then attacks the liberal press for making coffee and tea a partisan issue.

By the evening CNN finds a former female acquaintance of Trump who asserts that the two used to drink tea secretly while Melania was away on business. Rudy Giuliani phones in to defend Donald Trump calling the lady a liar and asserting Donald only drinks coffee and chai with milk. All the host and guest get into an argument over categorizing chai and ultimately ends with Rudy ranting about Indian cab drivers and Black Lives Matter protestors.

A few days later Trump goes on Fox and Friends and admits to swallowing a fly in his tea. He claims it’s the greatest thing he’s ever done and he’s the only President with the courage to do it. He says: “Obama never had the balls to drink tea much less swallow a fly with his tea, but I do.” He then doubles down by putting a cricket in his coffee and says it’s the American thing to do.

A few minutes later FOX News runs a commercial selling live crickets, flies, and other insects to put in your drinks.


#213

I’d have a fiver on the Dalai Lama is I was Tibetan man


#214

So this guy walks into a bar, and notices on said bar, a tiny man playing a tiny piano.

As he’s ordering his beer, he asks the bartender what the deal is.

The bartender sighs, disappears for a moment, then reappears with an oil lamp. “Go on,” he says to the patron. “Give it a rub.”

The man dutifully rubs the lamp, and poof! a genie pops out.

“What do you want? I’m feeling a bit grumpy today so I’m only going to grant you one wish.”

“Oooh!” the man says. “I want 10 million bucks!”

poof! The genie disappears and suddenly the bar is filled with ducks.

The man is astonished. “Ducks…? I asked for 10 million BUCKS. What the hell!”

“Yep,” says the bartender, “do you really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist?”


#215