A Thread for Jokes


#1

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.


#2

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

9/11.

9/11 wh–

YOU SAID YOU’D NEVER FORGET!


#3

When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were getting together, I was like, “OMG!”


#4

Jokes from my kids:
Izverg:
KNOCK KNOCK
Who’s there?
DRAGON!
Dragon who?
RAAAAAHHH!!!

Ivan:
KNOCK KNOCK
Who’s there?
ORANGE.
Orange who?
KNOCK KNOCK
Who’s there?
BANANA
Banana who?
AREN’T YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY “ORANGE” AGAIN?
(He kinda missed the point of that one. :wink: )


#5

Johnny was a chemist’s son, but Johnny is no more. For what Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4.


#6

What kind of ice cream does Cthulhu like?


#7

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces
of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in
the New York Times:

“American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the State’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia,
reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Michael
(Chucka) Garvey, a highly credentialed Telstra employee and self-taught
archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all. Michael has therefore
concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”


#8

What’s brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Wait for it…
.
.
.
.
.
.
A stick.
.
.
< runs >


#9

:stuck_out_tongue: It’s so dumb it made me laugh…


#10

Heheh, this will be a good segue from the above joke featuring Australia . . .

Ivan (5-yr-old) has a “joke” he tells every once in a while:

Q: What is more than Australia?
A: NOTHING! Nothing is on Australia! Eh-eh-eh-eh! (stupid laugh he does when he thinks he’s being funny)

I don’t know where he got it, but it’s his favorite joke right now. I hold out hope that his jokes improve over time, or there will be an education. :wink:


#11

Does he mean nothing is IN Australia? Because that’s not strictly correct. :wink:


#12

He says “on”. He’s five. Words are like toys, and stupid things are uproariously funny. :smile:


#13

Hehe, kids.

Re-reading my post… I meant that the statement “there is nothing in Australia” isn’t strictly correct, not the on/in confusion. :wink:

Still, it makes me wonder what my son will be coming up with in 3.5 years’ time when he’s Ivan’s age!


#14

Poop… 5 and 6 year olds are obsessed with poop, eyeballs, boogers, snot, farts and everything else that’s gross. My 6 year old finds any excuse to bring up the word poop in a conversation and then she will just think it’s the funniest thing ever.

I say I’ll be glad when she’s out of this stage, but actually poop is kind of funny…


#15

Then you should probably get her this. You can’t lose. Terry Pratchett and poo!


#16

Cool… I think I will get that. Especially since I pulled a dick parenting move and put her Barbie Princess and the Pop Star (gag) book in the box that went to Goodwill. Probably wouldn’t have been such a bad thing, but it was the first book she bought with her very own money and she was so proud of it. I just couldn’t stand it though, reading it to her quite literally made me want to puke and then I went on this feminist rant that probably ruined her childhood.


#17

I am reading Wee Free Men to my six year old daughter. There is a feminine role model I don’t mind her following.


#18

I’m damn near 40 and I still think poop and farts are funny. But I understand where you’re coming from. My girlfriend’s niece is 6 and she is totally that way. :smile:


#19

My oldest is getting into this phase as of a week ago. Out of nowhere, she randomly says, “Poop”, and then starts laughing herself to tears.

Then I think to myself, ‘Well, it’s no different then me saying “Shit”, but that’s usually followed by me having to fix something.’ Maybe I’m doing it wrong.


#20

One of my favourites:
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, “The measurement wasn’t accurate”. The biologist says, “They must have reproduced”. The mathematician says, “If one more person enters the house then it will be empty”.